More Than Meets the Eye

A friend of mine used to text or call almost every day.
We’d talk sports, current events, or whatever random thing was on his mind.

Then it started to change.
He was slower to text back. Harder to reach. The energy in our conversations felt different.

I finally asked, “You doing okay?”
He said he was good.
So I let it go.

A few weeks later, he told me he’d been worried about his job. Things at work had become uncertain, and the pressure was weighing on him. What I’d been seeing on the surface—distance and distraction—was just the tip of something deeper.

That’s when I was reminded how little we actually see of what people are going through. The visible part—the mood, tone, or performance—is rarely the whole picture.

People are a lot like icebergs. Most of who they are or what drives or drains them, sits below the surface. You don’t need to know every detail to remember it’s there. Awareness alone can change how you respond.

And beneath the surface, life can be heavy for people. Financial strain. Health concerns. Family pressures. Uncertainty about the future. Most carry those worries quietly while trying to show up as best they can.

When people are under stress, they’re more defensive, more distracted, and more vulnerable. Reacting to that moment doesn’t help. Focusing on the movement forward does.

As leaders, friends, and family, our job isn’t to solve what’s under the surface. It’s about meeting people where they are and helping them move forward with a little more steadiness and perspective.

Progress happens when we help people move forward, not when we get stuck on what’s visible.

Three Ways to Help Someone Move Forward

1. Keep your conversations forward-focused.
I didn’t do that when I asked my friend if he was okay. What would have been better would’ve been to ask something like, “What’s next for you?” or “What would make next week a little better?” It shifts the focus from checking in on the past to imagining progress ahead.

2. Don’t try to “fix” things.
Men especially tend to jump straight to solutions. But most people don’t want a fix. They want space to sort things out while knowing they’re not alone. Listening is often more powerful than problem-solving. Or ask, “What can I do to help?”

3. State your support and confidence.
Remind them of their strength, not just their struggle. A simple, “You’ve handled tougher things before,” or at work, “I know your numbers will turn around by doing what we discussed,” helps them borrow a little confidence until their own returns.

What if this week, you remembered there’s always more beneath the surface and focused on guiding the movement forward?