I Thought I Was Listening (I Was Wrong)

Early in my leadership journey, I received feedback that surprised me. People liked working with me. They felt comfortable around me. But some didn’t think I was open to their ideas or suggestions. That was hard to hear, because it wasn’t how I saw myself.  

What I eventually realized was this. I was hearing people, but I wasn’t always listening.

Hearing is passive. It happens automatically. Your ears pick up sound whether you intend to or not.

Listening is different. Listening is active. It requires slowing down, staying curious, and giving someone your full attention without already forming your response.

You can hear someone without even listening. Real listening asks you to pause long enough to understand what is really being said.

Once I understood that distinction, I started seeing it show up everywhere.

Leadership
One of my greatest strengths as a leader was my ability to connect quickly with employees. I could build rapport fast. But that same strength became a limitation when I moved too quickly. I often heard ideas and immediately evaluated them instead of exploring them.

Over time, I learned a simple way to tell when I was truly listening. I could ask follow-up questions that were specific to what the other person had just shared. Not generic questions. Not leading ones. Real, curious questions.

When I slowed down enough to do that, people felt heard, ideas improved, and ownership increased.

Relationships
In relationships, the difference between hearing and listening often determines how connected people feel. Hearing allows conversations to continue. Listening creates understanding.

One of the biggest impediments to listening is waiting for your turn to speak. When your focus shifts to forming a response, attention quietly leaves the other person. Many relationship frustrations aren’t caused by what was said, but by what wasn’t fully heard.

When you listen to understand instead of reply, tension softens and connection deepens.

Parenting
Parenting brings its own listening challenge. The desire to quickly fix things often gets in the way. When your child comes to you with a problem, the instinct is to solve it or make it better. But most of the time, children, regardless of age, aren’t looking for a fix. They’re looking to be heard.  

Hearing responds with advice. Listening creates safety and support.

The shift from hearing to listening isn’t dramatic. It’s subtle. Often, it is just a few extra seconds of attention.

What if this week, you practiced listening just a little longer before responding?